The quiet waste of manager 1-on-1s

How I spent 2 years giving status updates while my teammate got promoted

"How's the project going?"

"Good. Should be done by Friday."

"Any blockers?"

"Nope."

"Okay, talk next week."

Fifteen minutes. Every Tuesday. For two years.

I thought I was doing 1-on-1s right.

The Pattern I Missed

My teammate Sarah got promoted after 18 months.

I'd been there longer. My code was solid. My projects shipped.

So why her?

One day, I overheard her 1-on-1 with David, our manager.

"I've been thinking about the technical debt in the authentication service. It's blocking three teams. What if I proposed a refactor as my Q3 project? Would that be Staff-level impact?"

David leaned forward: "That's exactly what I want to see."

My 1-on-1s were status reports. Hers were strategy sessions.

My 1-on-1s were me answering questions. Hers were her driving the conversation.

My 1-on-1s were about tasks. Hers were about career.

The Conversation That Changed Everything

The next Tuesday, I did something different.

I sent David an agenda 24 hours before our meeting:

1. Feedback on my code review style
2. Is the payments project Staff-level work?
3. How can I get more visibility with the team?

David looked at me differently when we sat down.

"This is what I've been hoping you'd do," he said.

"I have seven direct reports. If you wait for me to ask questions, I ask about project status. But that's not where I add value."

He leaned forward.

"My job is to help you grow. But I need you to tell me where you want to grow."

For two years, I'd treated my manager as my boss. He wanted to be my resource.

What Actually Works

I changed my entire approach. Started using a simple structure:

1. Top of mind for me

Not project status. The thing keeping me up at night:

• "I froze during the architecture review. How do I defend my designs?"
• "The tech lead and I clash constantly. How do I handle this?"
• "Am I ready for Staff?"

2. Top of mind for David

Space for him to add what he needed to discuss.

3. Discussion topics

Real questions that needed conversation:

• Career trajectory
• Feedback requests
• Team dynamics
• "What's one thing you need from me that you're not getting?"

4. Action items

Everything we agreed to do. With dates. With owners.

The first time David had to admit he hadn't done his action item, something shifted.

This wasn't just my meeting anymore.

What Changed

Six months later, everything was different.

David started giving me projects before they were announced: "I'm thinking about this for Q3. Want it?"

He introduced me to his skip-level: "You should meet them. Aligns with your interests."

He invested time in my growth: "Let me teach you how I think about technical strategy."

When I applied for Staff Engineer the following year, David said:

"A year ago, I wasn't sure you were ready. I didn't know where your head was at."

"Now? You're one of the easiest people I manage. You tell me what you need. You make our 1-on-1s useful."

I got promoted three months later.

What Nobody Tells You

Your manager is not a mind reader.

They can't help with problems they don't know about. They can't give you opportunities they don't know you want.

Status updates waste 1-on-1 time.

Your manager can read Jira. They can see your PRs.

What they can't see: Your concerns. Your aspirations. Your struggles.

The 1-on-1 is YOUR meeting.

It's not where your manager checks in on you. It's where you check in with your manager.

Questions beat updates.

Instead of: "I'm working on the API"

Try: "I'm deciding between two API designs. Can I walk through the tradeoffs?"

Instead of: "No blockers"

Try: "I'm not blocked on execution, but I'm worried we're building the wrong thing. How do I raise that?"

The Test I Use

Before every 1-on-1, I ask:

"Could this conversation happen in a group setting?"

If yes—handle it async or in a team meeting.

If no—that's what 1-on-1s are for.

The 1-on-1 is for things that would be weird to discuss in front of others:

• "I'm feeling burned out"
• "I'm frustrated about promotion timeline"
• "The senior engineer talks over me. How do I handle it?"
• "I messed up the incident response. What should I have done?"

If it feels vulnerable, it belongs in a 1-on-1.

The Mindset Shift

The biggest change wasn't the agenda format.

It was how I thought about the meeting.

I used to see my manager as the authority figure who gave me work.

Now I see him as a resource with context I don't have.

I used to wait for questions.

Now I come with my own.

I used to treat 1-on-1 time as something to sit through.

Now I treat it as the highest-leverage 30 minutes of my week.

Because 30 minutes with the person who decides your projects, visibility, and promotion?

That's not time to waste on status updates.

What I'd Tell My Younger Self

Stop waiting for permission to drive the conversation.

Your manager wants you to bring an agenda. They're not testing you by staying silent—they're waiting for you to take ownership.

Spend 10 minutes preparing.

Think about:

• What's my hardest problem this week?
• What feedback do I need?
• What's unclear about my growth?

Write it down. Send it 24 hours early.

Make it awkward on purpose.

The best 1-on-1s are uncomfortable. You're talking about weaknesses. Concerns. Ambitions.

If your 1-on-1s feel comfortable and surface-level, you're doing them wrong.

Track action items.

If your manager commits to something, write it down. Follow up next time.

Nothing builds trust like mutual accountability.

Where I Am Now

These days, I'm a Senior Engineer mentoring juniors and do have tons of 1:1s.

The most common thing I tell them?

"The 1-on-1 is your meeting, not mine. Come with an agenda. Tell me what you need."

Some get it immediately.

Some spend months giving status updates before they realize they're wasting the opportunity.

But the ones who figure it out?

They grow faster. They get better projects. They get promoted sooner.

Not because I favor them.

But because they've learned to extract value from the person whose job is to help them succeed.

That's a skill worth learning early.

As I learned to transform my 1-on-1s and share my journey, I discovered that writing effectively about your experiences is its own skill. Narrareach (opens in a new tab) shows you which story structures and narratives actually perform well on Medium and Substack—you can see what hooks work, what keeps people reading, and learn from proven patterns. Whether you're writing about career growth or technical lessons, it helps you tell your story in ways that actually reach the people who need to hear it.